- I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
- Introducing ‘Lite’ – The new way to spell ‘Light,’ but with twenty percent fewer letters.
- I’m still trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
- Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on.
- I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.
- A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
- I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
- The IRS! They’re like the Mafia they can take anything they want.
- You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like ‘See if you can blow this out!’
- People love to say salsa.
- The big advantage of a book is it’s easy to rewind. Close it and you’re right back at the beginning.
- There is no such thing as ‘fun for the whole family.’
- What’s with the weird hotel custom of leaving chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
- Why do they call it a ‘building?’ It looks like they’re finished. Why isn’t it a ‘built?’
- Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say ‘No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?’ Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
- What does it take to get a cab driver’s license? I think all you need is a face and a name with eight consonants.
