Dr. Cox: Hey, Betty. Hey, Wilma. Oh, what the hell, you’re only forty minutes late. Do I… do I smell beer?
J.D.: Uh, we… uh, we had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash, you can’t drink and then come to work. You’re not airline pilots.
Elliot: Dr. Cox, does this lipstick make me look like a clown?
Dr. Cox: No, Barbie… It makes you look like a prostitute who caters exclusively TO clowns
J.D.: Who put this mistletoe up?
The Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 AM shift, just looking for that. Trying to add a little cheer. You will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year.
J.D.: But I’ve only worked here three months.
Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart…
J.D.: This one needs courage.
Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
Turk: You know, I never get chocolate cake.
Elliot: Oh, right, cause you’re diabetic. Boo hoo. You know Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!
Dr. Cox: This moment is so great I’d cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of little moments!
Dr. Cox: People are just bastard covered bastards with bastard filling.
Dr. Cox : You’ve got to wa-a-a-ke up, honey… oh no, you wet the bed again… Why can’t I have a normal child without these problems?
Turk : Ya know Elliot, eventually you’re gonna have to take off your sock.
Elliot : If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you’re going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It’s like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.
Nurse Carla Espinosa : [gasps] I do think that!
Dr. Cox : Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture. Can I be included in the planning of your coming out party?
J.D. : Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox : No, it’s a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it’s been two furiously frustrating years-how is it possible that you still don’t get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays-I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they’ve done with Halloween-but our thing is that you are a little girl. That’s who you are. But that’s really not fair…
Ben : I think you’ve got yourself a Christmas card right there.
Jordan : Yeah, you’re funny. Look, I don’t understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?
Ben : [in English accent] Because I don’t like people to see my bum.
Jordan : So wear underwear.
Ben : You know how I feel about underwear.
Jordan : Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear.
Ben : [laughs] The sweatpants years.
J.D. : I don’t like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.
J.D. : What are you doing?
Janitor : I’m fixing the door.
J.D. : Maybe there’s a penny stuck in there.
Janitor : Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D. : No, I was just trying to make conversation.
Janitor : If I find a penny in there… I’m taking you down
Dr. Cox : You’d better go ahead and enjoy this while you can, Bob, because if your evil genie goes ahead and grants your wish and I’m gone forever then the only one your going to be able to contend with around here is yourself, and when you really get to know THAT person, oh dear God, you’ll scream so loud that Satan will want to tear up that contract he made with you at birth just so he can get some sleep.
Elliot : I doubt sex for you is about making babies, because you’d probably just eat them anyway, and driving over to Dr. Cox’s place and pleasuring him while he watches sports hardly counts as revenge.
Dr. Cox : You know, the only way you could be more useless right now is if you actually were the wall. Now, it certainly is true that you’d at least be serving a purpose – specifically a surface for a jackass to lean against – but it could be argued that this is more useless than doing nothing.
Dr. Cox : I know, it’s a conundrum but don’t you worry, I’ll noodle it for you right here. Meanwhile, you just skip along, alright Shirley?
[Elliot keeps talking at a patient with a wired jaw]
Nurse: Did somebody here buzz for a nurse?
Elliot : No.
Nurse: [Looking at the patient] It looks like his eyes are screaming…
Dr. Cox : Well gosh, I guess I became a doctor because ever since I was a little boy I just wanted to help people. I don’t tell this story often, but I remember when I was 7 years old, one time I found a bird that had fallen out of it’s nest, and so I picked him up and I brought him home, and I made him a house out of an empty shoebox. (starts laughing). I became a doctor for the same four reasons that everybody does: chicks, money, power, and chicks.
J.D. : [after Janitor pops up behind him] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?
Janitor : I don’t jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.
Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox : There are times when I put myself into situ…
Carla: Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
Dr. Cox : That’s almost exactly what I was going to say.
Julie: This drug is the best one on the market. The only side effects are nausea, impotence and anal leakage.
Dr. Cox : And, I’m getting two out of three, just from having this conversation.
Dr. Kelso : Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology; obviously I was unclear when I said, “Stay in the MRI room with that patient” It must have sounded like, “Leave. and do other things.”
Dr. Cox : Ah, sorry to interrupt you there, Bobbo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now, when you were born, nay, *spawned* by the Dark Prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you along your way? Because you can’t just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant. And besides, with your money, you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet, and bring him out whenever you wanna *knock* him around, huh?
Janitor : Hey, Idiot.
[J.D. turns around]
Janitor : Heh. I said “idiot” and you turned around.
Dr. Cox : [on the phone] Sure, Jordan, you can take over the master bathroom. Just make sure you leave my sleeping pills out. So that I could, you know, swallow about 300 of them…
Lisa : [after kissing J.D] Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you having a good time?
J.D. : Actually, it’s a roll of quarters.
[takes out roll of quarters]
J.D. : Laundry day.
[Elliot can’t find an apartment]
Carla: How you doing?
Elliot : I’m exhausted. I mean, I’m just one person. At least Turk has you to pick up the slack when it gets too bad.
Carla: You’d think so.
[Elliot’s cell phone rings but she ignores it]
Carla: Aren’t you gonna answer that?
Elliot : Nah, that’s just Todd. He keeps calling me and asking if I want to move into his pants.
J.D. : Hey, Perry…
Dr. Cox : Perry?
J.D. : Yeah, it’s a new thing I’m trying. So, Perry, I was wondering if you knew that I have a date this weekend?
Dr. Cox : Really? Well, newbie, I’m glad that you finally found a woman who enjoys the benefits of a same sex relationship.
Janitor : Scooter!
J.D. : Huh?
Janitor : Your nickname will be scooter.
J.D. : I don’t get it.
Janitor : Like Scooter Pies. I *hate* Scooter Pies!
J.D. : Oh… now I get it.
J.D. : I think childbirth has been way too romanticized.
[cut to a 1950s era informational film with JD and the soon-to-be parents]
J.D. : You will spend hours and hours of pain while you poop, pee, puke and other people stare into your vagina, which, by the way, has an 80 percent chance of tearing.
Woman: [to her husband] You do it.